Unbrainwashing: it can take a while!

This past summer, I started to somehow unbrainwash myself from the religion I was born and raised into very firmly, and I cant even explain why it happened, or especially why it took so long for it to happen.

I was a firm testimony-bearing member of the church for about 23 years. It wasn't until after I had been married and divorced (which was actually further indoctrination into the religion itself) in the church that I stopped being an "active" member...and I really only stopped going to church physically because of my severe social anxiety. 

So it was a very gradual process of me slowly letting go of some of the long-held beliefs that had me so well-trained and trapped in my own prison of limiting (and limitED beliefs). I turned 30 at the end of this past year. It took me almost 8 years to slowly disentangle myself from my religion of origin, simply because my conditioning went that deep.

Even today, I have so many seemingly random moments of recognition of yet another piece of outdated information i was operating on without realizing it yet. I still catch myself thinking "Mormon" thoughts, and it still shocks me every time...simply because I realize now how incredibly untrue and illogical most of my beliefs were.

On some very basic/deep level, I always knew I was being lied to (unintentionally in most cases...people who believe dont realize they're lying, because they believe the exact same things), or at the very least, that a lot of church "doctrine" just didn't make sense.

But I was taught my entire life to never think past the concept of "God." If God could be the final answer, then it was the most righteous form of behavior to not even think beyond that answer. Today, I realize how faulty that logic is, but I also realize how powerful that logic is in literally brainwashing people. 

Theyre not even brain-"washing" in cases of indoctrination of children born into it; they're just keeping it blank and empty. If you know nothing about a certain concept, you cannot question it. And if you dont question anything, the "authority" cannot be wrong. And as long as the authority is never wrong, it doesn't really matter if they're not exactly "right" all the time (there are usually various other ways of writing off 'not being right all the time...like, "The gospel is perfect, but people aren't," and the authorities are just people like you and me! You can't expect them to be right ALL the time!)

So, could science be true? Sure, as long as it wasn't saying something that by-passed God. Could society be right? Sometimes, because people are on a lower plain than God. But the answers eventually had to end up right back in the church in the pews on Sunday! Because if you started finding truth in other places, what would keep you 100% dedicated to that particular organization? And most importantly, what would keep you giving 10% of your hard-earned money to any organization in particular at all?

I never thought into these things past the initial "what if?" Because the answer was always "That was just God's plan" or "God's will." There was no real possibility that the church was not right: because if the church was actually false, then I personally was wrong about A LOT of things. And I personally made so many decisions that I had talked myself into through the logic of what I was taught to be truth. Everything that I thought was "right" and "wrong" was actually based on absolutely nothing of any moral merit or value. 

It would all be based on some story some guy made up in the 1800's, and I was foolish enough to never question, even though the tale was outlandish. If I could believe THIS...then what could I NOT believe, and what made those things any different or better or worse than the lines I was fed my whole life? 

I've learned that confidence is the best way to lie to people, especially large groups of people. If you are confident enough in what you are saying, or if you can at least project the appearance of enough confidence, you can make a very rational and otherwise intelligent person start to really question themselves. 

Celebrities, politicians, royalty, clergy: what makes what they say any more valuable than anyone else? It's usually not the amount of time they put into their thoughts, or the academic sources they researched when forming their opinions, or their own work or credentials that earned them a reputation for being "good thinkers." It's the confidence they feel in themselves as they are presenting their information to you. 

We are such social creatures, Homo sapiens. We evolved not because of our physical strength or prowess, but our ability to work together and use our minds to store larger and larger amounts of information in many brains (more brains=more data storage capacity). We adapted to relying on other humans for help in child-rearing, food-gathering, and basic survival. We evolved to be able to enact and read complex social cues. It's as inherent to our biology as unconscious breathing or blinking. Our brains are constantly sorting through information and picking out the "right" data to save, use immediately, or memorize for later. 

We have evolved to trust each other, to some universal degree. Early humans under the genera "Homo" but different species, lived at the same time, probably around 5-6 different human species. But Homo sapiens (us) evolved in a way that made us feel threatened by or power over all the species that were just a little different than us. So we, as a single species, eradicated all other species of humankind. But we didn't start turning on each other (except for some certain circumstances). We decided to keep mating with each other and propagating our own species. 

And tens of thousands of years later, we are still relying on one another. It is no surprise that we are so "easily duped" by confident lies, sometimes. Confidence wins more than reason does. Just look at modern politics...how often have we realized only after we voted someone in as President of the United States, for example, only to find out later that they were lying about something (or a lot of things)?

For our own psychological health, then, when we're faced with a reality that only we seem to be able to see, despite our entire social group seeing it a different way, we try to convince ourselves that we are the ones who are not seeing it correctly. We gaslight ourselves back into the majority opinion, because it's too scary to be the odd one out reading different social cues than everyone else around you. It goes against our evolved nature. 

Without even realizing it, I forced myself to think in ways that easily dismissed my own feelings, thoughts, or concerns. "Doubt your doubts" was a phrase we heard often in church. And another huge weapon they use to keep people from understanding truth: "Never allow yourself to consume any 'Anti-Mormon' literature." 

Instead of placing the burden on themselves to prove that their version of history is actually what happened (ie, convince large numbers of people to believe in a lie), they can place the responsibility on YOU to never even want to question the validity of the information that has always been presented to you. And if you do question it, THAT is the problem, not the information itself. You shouldn't have even looked at it, it doesn't matter how "accurate" it is. You "disobeyed," so now you have to live with the uncomfortable feelings it brought you. That's what you get! "Wickedness never was happiness...duh..."

When you're simply taught these things as just "the way things work," from birth, you dont even think to question it. We don't see any examples of someone questioning the church and walking away with a positive outcome. Because to us, there IS no positive outcome outside of the church. Anything outside is not "real happiness" or "truth," and to choose to leave those things behind can only produce misery and confusion. Only someone who really wanted to "sin" would choose to leave real happiness and all-knowing truth for temporary "pleasures of the flesh!"

As if this wasn't all enough to keep you from questioning the truth of the gospel, they reinforce their manipulation tactics by encouraging you to never even "entertain" any conversation that brings about any doubt. If someone tries to confront you with "Anti-Mormon" propaganda, it's up to you to shut that conversation down. After all, you must have already been close to "the line" at all if you somehow managed to cross it. 

And if you cross the line, you messed up! You need to repent, often by confessing to your bishop (an older man in a position of authority over you who has no training whatsoever to be talking to you about sensitive behavioral/psychological concerns/issues), and you have to truly believe that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will save you. Because if you don't, you're going to be worried that every single "unrighteous" choice you make or thought you have will keep you out of Heaven, away from our all-loving Father in Heaven and our eternal families we know here on earth (which we are taught to fear as essentially the "ultinate punishment"). Why would you ever do anything that could remotely jeopardize you from your ETERNAL FAMILY? Satan must have a really powerful hold over you!

Isn't the psychological terrorism abuse enough to keep people from ever doubting if the church is true? Apparently not. Because the social consequences can be just as devastating. 

Imagine your family, the one you were taught your whole life was extra special and extra loving because that is literally the entire point of being here on earth: to have families; imagine that those people, who your whole life likely revolved around in some tangled way, suddenly thought you were controlled by Satan, or stubbornly "clinging to your own pride," or simply just "led astray." Imagine being looked at by the people closest to you as weak, dumb, sinful, or prideful, when all you are trying to do is get away from the anxiety and fear that comes with the package in a high demand religion, that controls almost every single thought you've ever had. 

It's daunting, to say the least, to consider doing anything that would risk putting you at odds with those people. People you were vulnerable with, that you cried with, that you prayed with, that you read scriptures with...that you participated in this humiliating lie with. People who helped you continue to believe in the lie, as well as people you helped to reaffirm. People that actually understand what it's like to live that life of constant, continual self sacrifice. Ironically, all for the sake of never actually having to look deeper inside themselves to see who they actually are underneath the religion.

Other people look at you weird. Non-members just aren't comfortable to be around, because you can't "truly be yourself" (read: unashamedly follow the strict demands of the religion) with without them thinking you're "weird."

For the longest time, I could not even consider why I was always the "weird" one. Why didn't people treat other people this way? Why was it always me that had to be different? Well, because most people find membership in a cult weird. Sorry. To believe the same exact beliefs with a group of equally weird people is just weird to most other people. "But that's unfair, they don't know the real me!" I would always say to myself. 

After so many years of saying that (and believing it) to myself, it was a miracle that I ever found the wherewithal to try NOT thinking that way, and even more so that I kept at it. I made that the way I permanently thought. I found the courage to sit with the extreme discomfort I felt, the humiliation and embarrassment, of finally accepting I had been wrong about so many things. 

It took even longer for me to find the courage to be able to admit that to other people, especially the people closest to me, the ones who would be the most disappointed in my courage that I was so proud and equally embarrassed of. Proud that I finally did it...embarrassed that I ever believed any of it, and that it took me so long of being in it constantly before I let myself really look at it. 

It's been a very long process, and every single day has felt like an entire journey since I've been deconditioning. It's like my mind froze like a computer with a virus; I kept trying to open different windows, but they never opened until years later, when all at once, it suddenly started working again, and they all tried to open at the same time. It takes a lot of effort and energy to sift through all the windows and examine each one, and decide if you really meant to exit it out it or not. Deciding what programs you want to keep running, if any...but not realizing any of them exist until you physically see it and take the time to look at it to notice it's there. 

Objective reality and hard facts are the anti-virus software of the brain. As it slowly eliminates the outdated software and harmful viruses from your programming, you start to learn to live with reality being your operating belief/principle. It's almost impossible to reconcile any other religious belief with what you know now, after finding out the truth of your brand of it. 

I somehow managed to hold on to spirituality, but I am wise enough now to know that spirituality is wholly independent from religion. I know now that the most "righteous" ideology I can claim to believe in and live my life by, is the one that is best for me personally. And what is best for me is probably different than what is best for you.

It's absurd to me now to think that what works for one person, who is genetically, biologically, and experientally very different from another, will work for anyone else. Now, though, I realize that what I think now is simply just that, what I think in this moment. I realize how possible it is to change my entire belief system, let alone what I think about any single concept. 

But most importantly, I know now that I have the freedom to believe anything I want to believe. Intellectual freedom to pursue information and come to my own conclusions based on sources and information that I feel good about and trust to be as accurate as possible. And I have the freedom to use my mental capacity to disregard pieces of information that my brain and instincts do not deem to be relevant or important. 

I feel free to finally believe that I can be myself without living in fear that everything I do is being judged by an all-mighty, omniscient ruler whose job it is to be just and to make sure all the bad I do is somehow accounted for. And I don't have to rely on a magical demigod to save me from this authority figure whose job is to punish me, and I don't have to live my entire life in deference and gratitude to this probably-imagined figure who will never be aware of any of the actions I make or anything about my life. 

So why did it take me so long to get here? I'm a human being. 

Am I grateful to be here? Absolutely.

Would I change anything about my journey here? Probably not. If I hadn't taken that specific road, I wouldn't have gleaned all the information about life that is now so important to me. And now I treasure most what is important to ME, not what is important to a God that probably doesn't actually matter. 

Just a Lil Somethin on Change

Change is really hard...it's no wonder so many people avoid it so much. 

You have to be able to see yourself doing things that make you uncomfortable, and take note. You have to be really self-aware. 

It really sucks to look back and think, "i can't believe I said/did/thought that." But the very fact that you recognize it now means you have changed since that moment, enough to recognize you shouldn't have made the choice you did at that time.

Change is a good thing most of the time. It means you're growing and developing and  evolving...but it isn't easy. Sitting with feelings of disappointment and embarrassment is really hard. 

Do you remember what it felt like in high school to sit by yourself? To not have anyone to sit with? To be in a room filled with people your age and know you don't "fit in" with any of them?

Your feelings (all of them) are a part of you. When you ignore any of them, they are wounded somehow. If you dont sit with your sadness and get to know it and keep it company, there is a part of you that is hurt and lonely and suffering in silence. 

You ARE your sadness, your sadness IS you. Not all of you, not the whole you. But you can't just cut off any part and expect everything else to go on functioning perfectly. 

It's totally okay to not have anyone to sit with, and to feel sad about that. And then to choose to sit with someone else who looks like they could be feeling sad, too. And to feel better after. 

This is how change happens. You recognize the part of you that is needing comfort and support, and you comfort and support yourself from all of the parts of you that aren't hurting. You are your own ecosystem filled with resources to be able to keep yourself running. We were made to do this.

We live in a world now where we are lucky enough to have external resources for almost any type of crisis our little ecosystems can come up with. And it is absolutely okay/healthy/good to use those resources available to help yourself. 

Just make sure you give yourself a fair shot, though. Make sure you're really aware of all the options and ideas your body is trying to make you aware of. And dont stop putting your energy into your healing after you get outside help, too. 

It's a great time to be alive, but it's also a confusing time. Our intuition/inner voice is an essential tool to figuring out what is best for each of us personally, individually, in a sea full of seemingly endless possibilities. 

One thing I've learned undeniably so far in life is that only you can truly know what is best for you, and we should all learn to trust ourselves a little bit more. 

Dont give up when you want to see a change in yourself but you don't see it right away. Another thing my life has taught me: change is a gradual process and time really is essential to understanding. With time, we learn, as long as we're not constantly ignoring ourselves. 

Don't ignore yourself. You've got way too much potential for that! And im proud of you for making it this far in life, and for all the things you've accomplished (no matter how "big" or "small"). You can do the thing.👍❤

A Blog Re-brand for 2021

I've been going through a lot of changes personally this last year or so and I think I'm finally getting back to myself, the person I naturally am. My depression and anxiety issues had really taken over my identity for a while without me even being cognizant of it...

But getting off the medications I had been taking for almost 10 years has literally changed my brain. It's like im experiencing every part of life for the very first time, and this time I dont have much guidance/influence on where I should go or what I should think/believe. I dont know what is "normal" or what is "weird." I was protecting myself (my fragile identity) from the entire world for so long, that became my entire focus in life subconsciously. 

I keep saying it's like my anxiety and depression/all my environmental issues were filters i was just wearing over my eyes without knowing I had them on. They colored every single thing I saw/perceived, and affected everything I thought I "knew." In reality, I only "knew" things that I wanted to know, anything that would reaffirm what I was scared of losing. 

I guess fear was the ultimate filter of my reality. 

But now that I seem to be seeing everything so much more clearly now, I have to reassess every single thought I've ever had, any type of memory that somehow finds its way back to my conscious mind. I have to evaluate every thought i had then against what I know about life now, and so often they do not match up. It can get really confusing and maddening, if im really being honest.

I realized that whatever feeling you feel when you experience anything in life is really important. The feelings we have add another little piece of nuance to every situation we face, and is stored away as part of that memory when we file it away in our long-term memory. As we go about our day-to-day lives, we naturally remind ourselves of anything similar we have experienced in the past to make sense of it in the current moment.

Let's say you are craving some ice cream.

When you were 6 years old, there was a moment when you had just gotten an ice cream cone you had been asking for all day. It looks even better in front of you than it did behind the glass it is stored under, or in your imagination while you were picturing how good it would be before you got it. The color, the texture, the smell --- all pieces of your memory. But, you dropped your ice cream. It just wasn't balancing right on the cone when it was presented to you, and right when you went to take that first much-anticipated lick, it fell to the ground right next to your shoe. 

That memory now holds that feeling of surprised sadness. The anticipation coupled with the disappointment when it fell. The loss of just having had what you wanted, to seeing it on the floor in front of you, unavailable now. 

Back to this moment: you're an adult now and you're just craving ice cream again. How might you order it, in a bowl, on a cone? Oh, remember when you were 6 and you finally got that ice cream cone you wanted so bad and it fell before you could even taste it? That was so sad, you felt so disappointed. 

Now you are feeling that same feeling that was tucked away with the memory, attached and opened automatically. 

Most people can probably remember that experience and feel that emotion again, and then move on and order the ice cream, chances being that it's not going to fall this time. And so they get it and eat it and they're happy/satisfied, that's that! 

Someone struggling with their emotional health, though, might not be able to change their feeling so quickly. It might take them longer to recover from the feeling of loss stored in that memory made fresh, or maybe they'll just consciously ignore that feeling as it slowly makes its way back to the end of the line of sad feelings just waiting their turn to be seen and felt and healed. 

When that happens enough times, every moment is just another old feeling refreshed and put back in line again. And after so long, that line gets so long, it takes up all the available space in your brain, seeping into the front where your conscious mind is trying to go about daily life. Your conscious mind slowly loses more and more space to bad feelings, and eventually, there's just no more space to work from. Your conscious mind is trapped in the line of memories you keep putting back there, and never returning to.

At some point, you've got to start listening and paying attention to all the memories and feelings you kept putting in the back of the line of your brain. You manage to clear out a little space for your conscious brain again, and that part of your brain just listens; lets each memory come up and speak its peace, and release that pent up emotion stored with it. 

It is very scary and overwhelming at first. Every emotion feels so big and important. Your conscious brain doesn't know how to handle these situations or what to do about it, that's exactly why you let it get so backed up in the first place.

But with practice, everything becomes less scary and less overwhelming. You start to see patterns and get a feel for what makes you feel better in each specific circumstance. And slowly but surely, you start to get the hang of handling your emotions. Soon enough, you realize the line of memories and feelings is getting shorter and shorter, the space for your conscious mind to work getting bigger and bigger. It's much less cluttered up there, and you feel so much more free to do things and be yourself again. 

Eventually, without even realizing it, you are healing. You didn't even realize you were doing it, because it was still super uncomfortable to face every single memory and feeling that was waiting for your attention for so long. But you realize you're starting to feel better, and you actually accomplished a lot in the time it took you to do it all. That line had been filling up your entire brain before, and now your consciousness has all the room it needs to operate. 

Once you get to this place in your journey, you have a choice. Do you let yourself continue to not face each feeling as it comes up, or do you learn how to transmute your feelings from negative to positive as they arise?

That is where I am right now. I recognize that I do not want to ever face that long of a line of memories again, and the emotions that accompany them. Therefore, it is my hope and intention to learn how to acclimate myself to my emotions. I need to learn to feel sad in the moment, and let myself feel sad until the sad runs out and fades back into content. Memories being formed right now in this moment will not need to wait in line ever again if I just let them run their course back to neutral. 

Neutral memories lead to a healthy mind. They don't even need to be "happy" or "joyful," just neutral will keep you with enough space for your conscious mind to function.

And when I cant just do it by myself, as will likely be the case for any fallible human, I can ask for help in getting myself back to feeling okay, back to forming neutral memories. And the more space I give my conscious mind to work with, maybe I'll become more and more capable of forming memories filled with happiness, leading to an overall feeling of happiness with my life. 

It seems pretty far-fetched now. But I was sick for a very long time, and never thought I would even be capable of making it here, into the "Neutral Zone."

Change takes a long time. To really transform how you let your conscious mind process things takes a lot of self awareness and courage and intention. But if I have come this far already, I have to believe it is possible to go even further. 

So watch out world! Once I learn how to let myself face and feel my genuine emotions in every single moment, i'll be unstoppable. If there's one thing I know, it's that I can always surprise myself...and now I am patiently waiting (but also expecting) that surprise to happen. And I have a feeling it will be a good memory accompanied by a great feeling once it does. 

So anyway, welcome to my blog, again. It's been years since I created this and I've been incredibly inconsistent, but I just feel like writing again. It helps me so much to figure out what im going through, almost like therapy! Just to get my thoughts out into the external world where I can study them the way I would with anything else to understand it.

There are so many topics I've found so much value in learning about over the years, and im hoping this can be a spot where I can just talk about them, along with what I continue to discover during my healing journey. I know there's probably no one reading this, but a sense of community would feel pretty awesome, I think. So feel free to interact with me. But also cut me some slack, im working on myself, I promise 😅❤👍